Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Intern - Corporate India's 'Trump' Cards

"Effective utilization of free time is Man's Greatest Duty - so kindly Google, Orkut or Blog" - Old Chinese Proverb!

(This is to impress readers. Research proves that 80 % of the SOPs accepted by Ivy League Colleges start off with Quotes/Proverbs...real ones..so..impress impress! :))

With my impressive starting, i think all you readers must be waiting with bated breath for enlightenment to flow forth, especially since heading has the word 'Intern'. :)

What i have embarked upon is the classification of this huge breed called 'Interns' which afflicts corporate India every year for a WHOLE 2 months! (Pity those 'Mentors') :)

So, here goes

1. The hand-shaker: If you find this guy with his hands doing any else than shaking hands with someone, pliss to click and inform guiness world of book records or even better SETA. This guy believes that he has been tasked with getting each address, telephone number, personal contact, wife's birthdays, dog's name, and favorite brand of dog biscuits of each and every person he comes into contact with during the course of his 'exposure' to corporate India. He sincerely believes that each of his networks, (yes, even the one with the shady paan ka dabba owner who spat 3 inches away from him as warning, when he barraged him with a list of 30 pre prepared quesstionare based queries on usage patters of company product) is important, and will someday help in future corporate life! He goes out of his way to please EVERYONE....of course .boss included! :)

2. Reportotron: This individual excels at excel (he he..i know..good one), word and powerpoint. His mantra to a great summers experience is simple. churn out reports everyday: abt his last customer visit, abt his flight delay, abt what he feels abt the stock exchange, abt what the weather dept is hiding from us and abt what his other intern mates are doing. He believes there is a strong relationship between amount of documentation which reaches his/her mentor and his chance at cracking the elusive ppo..that is why the moment the mail is sent, he gets fresh-mint printed copies of the same. In triplicate! By the term internship is over, new intern project for next year created: "Suggesting company-wide strategies to hedge against rising paper prices"!!

3. FlyerMiler: This individual believes in one thing and one thing only. It is my God Given right to fleece the company of the maximum amount of money as humanly possible without causing Chidambaram to look personally into the company's 'fringe benefit' policies! :) So he decides to go to Ladakh, Chennai, Rajasthan, Mongolia and the South Pole to conduct surveys for finding out awareness of the knowledge of English among Sec B Customers! The moment his harried boss okays this, he calls up the traveldesk to fix him up round trip air tickets in a maximum of 2 hours. Business Class of course. You moron. He takes a cab for going to have chai during his break, hoards office stationery and spends more time working out loopholes in the company's expense-claims policies than a CA in avoiding tax!

4. Sincerely yours: This individual firmly believes that Hard Work, Perseverance and Results are the ingredients that guarantee a PPO. Alright now, get up from the floor. You ingrate. You knocked off the neighbor's coffee all over his project report while laughing hard. He will be constantly worried sick about his project, treat it like a father treats a baby getting the first hair-cut (both unnecessarily worry i say). He will have a special emotional bonding with the late-night goorkhas around the office, because he will always be with them for company. His boss will be extremely pleased with him, as would be the entire department, and the department sitting next to it. Leeches, I say. Always in search for this species!

5. The Jargonizer: This individual considers the Glossary sub site within the company intranet as Bible. In the first 2 days, he by hearts each and every jargon used by the company in its illustrious 300 year old history. He learns every jargon used by people within his department, by the finance and HR departments, by the accounting guys, and by the mess staff. After a week, his sentences come out like:

Boss: So, what have you been doing for the past week or so
Jargonizer: Sir, the CPTs for the RLV Division of our CMM category were very low. So i conducted a ORR on it with the help of our TRS guys. The SPAC reports have come up and i'll send them over as soon as it is validated by the MTOC.

Boss nods, beams, sends Jargo out with pat on back, shudders.
Pretty smart guy i say. Sure shot PPO!

6. The Summer is for Fun Guy: This individual firmly believes that this entire internship is coming between him and the enjoyment which is his god-given right ever since 1st standard, when he got his first summer 'vacation'. So as a sign of protest, he generally turns up at office during lunch hour, carries around a set of huge speakers, wears hawain printed shirts and uses the office internet connection for sending out calvin jokes, or reading Sid's management practices or other such highly rewarding but utterly useless endeavor!

Thatz all from my side. Don't know when such days of blissful boredom will come again, for normally I work hard. Really. me not kidding. bah! :( all u unbelievers :(

Monday, May 21, 2007

Really Bored! - Digging up precious gems!

My neighbor cracking PJ seeing title i just wrote. Says "From where?". he he. laugh. barf :(

anyways, me thinks me is not appreciating good pjs, or good anything for that matter. real pis*ed off.

I hang in train for 40 minutes, throwing an encyclopedia of choice gaalis, just by staring at a guy comfortably sitting from first station to last, without even feeling pity about the tall guy hanging from the pole :(

there should be limited time allotment of time slots for sitting in locals i say. just because u have a home in andheri doesn't mean u have the god given right to sit all the way till churchgate!!! not fair! :(

then come to office....eager to work (REALLY!!!!), but work is stalled. Can't do anything today! :( how emotionally crushing for an earnest hard working young phello like me! :(

so me starting orkutting, blogging, gmailing, others blog reading, copying content, etc..etc..

so me chancing on this old jewel..pliss to check...


Saturday, March 24, 2007

Software Versions

NOTE: Typing with difficulty, to maintain freshness of thoughts under attack from small attention span of mind diverted towards acheiving spellbound, wondrous, silent solitude called sleep.So, Spelling errors excuz pliz!!

Well, once you go from being a student to a manager, or a manager trainee, as they deem your weightless status to be, there is only one software whose change in version you'll notice, curse, quit and pray it never happenned.

This software is called Microsoft Outlook.

Version 1: The student in a b-school version: You get on an average 40 mails daily. Your response is needed to hardly 4 of them, (delay in replying to which can be explained away with trivial reasons ranging from wet nite to kidney failiure (oo, there goes my train of thought roaming again.....retrack!!)), and you need to actually work upon just one of them (unless you have a class representative who can postpone the relevant deadline! )

Version 2: The Management Trainee Version: Wonder of Wonders, you come back from the covering shadows and see that there are only 40 mails in your inbox the first day. And you expect the same throught the year, or life!. But then, out of these 40 mails, 35 are for your immediate (1 hour without credible excuse, 3 hours with credible refuse and 5 hours at the risk of losing your job(Credible - Your computer hanged itself OR There was a family emergency)) response. Out of those 35, 25 are mails which you have to WORK on!!!! ( APART from typing the mail you retard! :)))

So then, there goes your life......... Send/Recieve! :D

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Duality of Music - An elevated stand!

This is a very intellectual discussion between two people who have left the trivial worries of this world far away (or below? :))

Imagine yourself sitting in front of your comp, speakers blaring, your favourite pearl jam number flowing. You put a stop to whatever useless, productive activity you are doing, close your eyes, start singing along. You enjoy every note, every crooning in the song, and then you begin to hear nothing but yourself and the song. But even then, if you listen hard, you will listen to the two separate voices, one from yourself and one from the speakers. They won't blur, they won't unify, no matter how good a singer you are.

Now, when you are in the exalted state of being, and you have succumbed to the temptation of singing the same song aloud, mirth begins to rise with your voice, and you are singing the song, note for note. But then, there is a difference. Concentrate really hard. Really really hard. Try to distinguish the two sources of sound. You cannot. It is then that you feel you are in front of the throng of a million, performing with the precision of a master. There is no speaker. There is no song playing. It is just you singing. It is then..that the Duality of Music..ends! :)

Try making sense of this in sanity! :)

Monday, February 12, 2007

Personnel Management and Industrial Relations Expert

Yep. Thatz me! :D......Got an A.....the highest level of holy intellectual insanity that one can reach....(well, there is A+ but thatz for the metaphysical, telepathik, etc..,etc...kinda people).

Well, letz see....what did i do to deserve it? I guess itz the very relevant underlinings I had done in the Reading Comprehension End Term (one at the starting and one right at the end! :D). Or maybe my arbit CP actually made sense....No...I think it is my awesome contribution to the project.......(well actually the project was done by one of the telepathik sorta ppl! :D)

Ok Ok.. I got it. A firm grasp of the grass root level concepts, blended in the right proportion with a subtle sense of understanding of the slight tinge of abstraction, all encompassed into the tradition of learning established over 18 years.

What?? Does it look like a description for some single malt scotch? Of course it does. You think I had the creativity to write a blog? :D

Flicker - A disastrous first start! :D

Laugh away, all sense bereft, all worries gone,
coz you are in the midst of friends, united as one,
comforting the cocoon, warm the embrace,
u beam with joy, a smug smile on your face.
You are alone, longing for the past,
'Withdrawl Symptoms' the learned call it.
But you know the pain,
in words be cannot cast.
The buds of spring propituos,
A tint of bright green in the grass,
You have your maiden by your side,
All i need in life is won, impulsively you decide,
The world is at a loss,
To quench your sorrowful thirst,
Want her as much you want to,
You need to face reality first!
Old friends return,
Bringing back waves of mirth,
Are the tables gonna turn?
Will it be your rebirth?
Every time you are overjoyed,
or deep in dungeons of despair,
in front of a mirror life stands,
a glimmer, not alone..........but a pair.