Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Intern - Corporate India's 'Trump' Cards

"Effective utilization of free time is Man's Greatest Duty - so kindly Google, Orkut or Blog" - Old Chinese Proverb!

(This is to impress readers. Research proves that 80 % of the SOPs accepted by Ivy League Colleges start off with Quotes/Proverbs...real ones..so..impress impress! :))

With my impressive starting, i think all you readers must be waiting with bated breath for enlightenment to flow forth, especially since heading has the word 'Intern'. :)

What i have embarked upon is the classification of this huge breed called 'Interns' which afflicts corporate India every year for a WHOLE 2 months! (Pity those 'Mentors') :)

So, here goes

1. The hand-shaker: If you find this guy with his hands doing any else than shaking hands with someone, pliss to click and inform guiness world of book records or even better SETA. This guy believes that he has been tasked with getting each address, telephone number, personal contact, wife's birthdays, dog's name, and favorite brand of dog biscuits of each and every person he comes into contact with during the course of his 'exposure' to corporate India. He sincerely believes that each of his networks, (yes, even the one with the shady paan ka dabba owner who spat 3 inches away from him as warning, when he barraged him with a list of 30 pre prepared quesstionare based queries on usage patters of company product) is important, and will someday help in future corporate life! He goes out of his way to please EVERYONE....of course .boss included! :)

2. Reportotron: This individual excels at excel (he he..i know..good one), word and powerpoint. His mantra to a great summers experience is simple. churn out reports everyday: abt his last customer visit, abt his flight delay, abt what he feels abt the stock exchange, abt what the weather dept is hiding from us and abt what his other intern mates are doing. He believes there is a strong relationship between amount of documentation which reaches his/her mentor and his chance at cracking the elusive ppo..that is why the moment the mail is sent, he gets fresh-mint printed copies of the same. In triplicate! By the term internship is over, new intern project for next year created: "Suggesting company-wide strategies to hedge against rising paper prices"!!

3. FlyerMiler: This individual believes in one thing and one thing only. It is my God Given right to fleece the company of the maximum amount of money as humanly possible without causing Chidambaram to look personally into the company's 'fringe benefit' policies! :) So he decides to go to Ladakh, Chennai, Rajasthan, Mongolia and the South Pole to conduct surveys for finding out awareness of the knowledge of English among Sec B Customers! The moment his harried boss okays this, he calls up the traveldesk to fix him up round trip air tickets in a maximum of 2 hours. Business Class of course. You moron. He takes a cab for going to have chai during his break, hoards office stationery and spends more time working out loopholes in the company's expense-claims policies than a CA in avoiding tax!

4. Sincerely yours: This individual firmly believes that Hard Work, Perseverance and Results are the ingredients that guarantee a PPO. Alright now, get up from the floor. You ingrate. You knocked off the neighbor's coffee all over his project report while laughing hard. He will be constantly worried sick about his project, treat it like a father treats a baby getting the first hair-cut (both unnecessarily worry i say). He will have a special emotional bonding with the late-night goorkhas around the office, because he will always be with them for company. His boss will be extremely pleased with him, as would be the entire department, and the department sitting next to it. Leeches, I say. Always in search for this species!

5. The Jargonizer: This individual considers the Glossary sub site within the company intranet as Bible. In the first 2 days, he by hearts each and every jargon used by the company in its illustrious 300 year old history. He learns every jargon used by people within his department, by the finance and HR departments, by the accounting guys, and by the mess staff. After a week, his sentences come out like:

Boss: So, what have you been doing for the past week or so
Jargonizer: Sir, the CPTs for the RLV Division of our CMM category were very low. So i conducted a ORR on it with the help of our TRS guys. The SPAC reports have come up and i'll send them over as soon as it is validated by the MTOC.

Boss nods, beams, sends Jargo out with pat on back, shudders.
Pretty smart guy i say. Sure shot PPO!

6. The Summer is for Fun Guy: This individual firmly believes that this entire internship is coming between him and the enjoyment which is his god-given right ever since 1st standard, when he got his first summer 'vacation'. So as a sign of protest, he generally turns up at office during lunch hour, carries around a set of huge speakers, wears hawain printed shirts and uses the office internet connection for sending out calvin jokes, or reading Sid's management practices or other such highly rewarding but utterly useless endeavor!

Thatz all from my side. Don't know when such days of blissful boredom will come again, for normally I work hard. Really. me not kidding. bah! :( all u unbelievers :(


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Supergirl said...

great one ;)